It's over...

Written exams are done so far.
Lets look how it is gonna be then. have a bad feeling about mathematics. but we'll see...

Thursday was somehow strange and interesting. i really don't know atm if i should go on matura-vacation. With these guys like fred dd and haginga i wouldn't feel comfortable i guess...

If u ask why: their way of having fun, no matter what they do with things and how people react on their actings isn't [break. reason="gonna write further at another time... atm my father started playing e-piano with the WORST SOUNDS SUCHA MACHINE CAN CREATE. I mean he's really a decent player on piano and organ and such stuff, he could easily play somewhere jazz or blues or whatsoever. but NOW I HEAR EMULATED PANFLUTES AND FLUES (sounds worse than karl moik stuff) in "schmalzigem" ambiente..."]

p.s.: the only thing I want less today than being alone is in the C... today this means as much as "AIDS or TBC?"


[/break]

interesting to them. This seems so ego-manic to me - I can't stand that. Brandi had problems to see somebody as drunk as fred, me too, and then fred even made fun of me. I was this [--] close to hitting him. really. I hate it.
I also gotta say I had some really interesting discussions, with brandi, mauschn, biatsch and also, what kinda fascinated me, with ninsch.

Normally sometimes nini seems to lack of what I like to call "emotional intelligence". Its about how good you can feel yourself into other persons, how good you can simply let them say what they want and simply listen to them.

Well I think when I told him my fears that I actually have atm it was the first time I realized them myself.

In fact my biggest fear atm is how I could live - some sort of survive all the coming days, like standing up, go to work, come home, do something useful, go to bed.
That may be one of the reasons why I wanna go to UNI. And I really recognized that I have a lot in common about fear with my father and my sister. God bless that its not that extreme - but maybe only so far.

When I ask myself what I wanna do within the next 10 years (maybe because I'm gonna be 20 in a few months) - the only thing I say and I really stand up to is to finish my apprecianceship.
I couldn't say I would get married (this seems rather strange when I say that with nearly 20 years, I know, but ... well... gotta think of it) because I fear I won't get to know a nice girl within the next 10 years.
I fear I won't build my own life like building a house or whatsoever.
I don't think I could possibly have kids within the next 10 years, for the reason above.
The only thing I'm really sure of, and what I fear, is the fear itself.

And, as you may guess, that kinda bothers me. Is it gonna get worse? Better? Stay that way?

How will my next year be like? Being at home, zivi and such stuff - am I gonna stick with the friends I made in school? Will I stand up, go to work, come home, eat something, and then go to bed? for 9 months? god. no.

what will be senseful to me?

The birds don't work as good anymore as they did within the past few weeks.
(Whenever I see birds, like jumpin' around, bathin' in some puddle, fly drinkin' in our pool at home, I always remember myself "how beautiful life is"... meanwhile its rather "...should be"... hopefully it won't become "...has been")

no. really no good times for me.




really not.

Such a lonely day
And it’s mine
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It’s a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn’t exist
It's a day that I’ll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it’s mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
And it’s mine
It’s a day that I’m glad I survived
[anm. der redaktion: "really?"]